PERSONALISED POEMS FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS

SPLASHY TED

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My Auntie Edith knows this man

Who drives around in a Transit van,

His name, she says, is Splashy Ted 

He wears ladies knickers on his head.

 

She says ‘Splashy Ted’s a painter see,

He’s painted your Mum and he’s painted me’

And she showed me the paintings that he did,

I felt quite ill, I’m just a kid.

 

Splashy Ted came round for tea

Knickers on, he winked at me.

He’s five foot tall, shaped like a ball

He could barely fit down mum’s front hall.

 

He threw himself onto the sofa,

Which groaned beneath this podgy loafer.

He coughed and fired up a Benson and Hedges,

Then demolished a bowl of fried cheese wedges.

 

‘Now young man’ said this bloke, ‘I’m a painter y’know,

I’ve shown all me stuff at the Nobbington Show’,

Aunt Edith appeared, wearing bright red lipstick,

Once again, I began to feel horribly sick.

 

Then my mother appeared, looking flustered and queer,

She was holding a very large bottle of beer.

‘Here you go, Splashy Ted’, she said rather too loud,

And she pushed past her sister who hissed ‘Three’s a crowd’.

 

I sat there for hours just holding my head,

With my mother, her sister and His Splashiness Ted.

The empties piled up as the humour went south,

Aunt Edith’s red lipstick was smeared round her mouth.

 

Splashy Ted’s voice got croaky and hoarse,

He put out his fag in the Barbeque sauce,

The hot room was thick with the belches and farts

Of this fraudulent dwarf and his pair of old tarts.

 

It’s at times like this I wished dad was still here,

Smoking his fags and spilling his beer,

Scratching his arse, throwing chips at the telly,

His M & S slacks overhung by his belly.

Kicking the cat and swearing at me,

Licking his plate and slurping his tea.

Weeing himself comatose on the floor,

Gashing his head on the police van door.

A useless man, but not all bad,

At the end of the day he’s still my Dad.

 

Then Splashy Ted said that he needed a nap

And fell face first into Aunt Edith’s lap,

Where he lodged his head in the waiting gap,

Till my mother exploded and gave him a slap,

Then he started to vomit, the hideous chap.

 

The taxi came at half past two,

The front room reeked of fags and spew,

Stale beer, cheap perfume and barbeque sauce

And deep fried cheesy wedges, of course.

 

I never saw Splashy Ted again,

Aunt Edith got married to a bloke called Len,

Dad came back and Mum lost weight,

And I left home and then met Kate.

 

We live in Bracknell, got two girls,

Barbie dolls and plastic pearls,

We shop at Tescos, do the Lotto,

Weekends, me and Kate get blotto.

And covered in dust, in the garden shed,

Hang two awful pictures signed ‘Splashy Ted’.