PERSONALISED POEMS FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS

And oh yes...there's a hilarious book as well!

It's free to you, but if you went into the shops it would probably cost you a great deal of money! Yeah.

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So join Gilbert Moon and his chums from the Wormhole Academy for Normal Children on a mind-boggling,

bone-bending escapade, as they charge across the Glorbiverse, hijacking Emergency Escape Jets and being kidnapped by the dreaded Taxicab Terroristas, before finding themselves cast adrift on the mysterious Island of the Puffaroons.

There are so many questions...

How many hot chips can Douglas Plugley cram into his mouth without fainting?

Who or what is the hideous Sister Skulldust the Boymuncher?

Where did Gilbert's foot go to, and why does it keep changing colour? 

Why is the revolting, fish-burping  Bald-Faced Bonkerbird so unbelievably rude?

Will Lily Nero find her missing parents...or have the Spikings got them?

Can the giant, blue lizard Ziggy Bonedance help the gang escape the clutches of the Crunchy Crabs to find their way back home to Gulp?

If you really want to know the answers to these questions and how to make a Seasquirt Surprise...read on!

 

If not...here's a heart-breaking picture of a lonely kitten lost in space...enjoy!

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THE ASTOUNDING WORLD OF GILBERT MOON

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By Dennis Ciappara

 

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Planet Glorb sits cheerfully at the centre of the Glorbiverse, looking rather pleased with itself. With its bubbling seas and floating islands, jangling jungles and roaring rivers, it has every reason to feel quite jolly. Maybe that’s why it’s pink.

The people who live there are a lot like you and me. They have two eyes and two ears and most of them have two kidneys, but there are many, many things that are very different about them and the way they live. On an island called Gulp lives a boy called Gilbert Moon, who’s always having crazy adventures and lots of fun with his friends. But it has to be said, every now and then he does get into a spot of bother.

The Glorbiverse is thousands of miles wide and full of other planets with wonderful names like Gloop, Strombo, Flart and Glerry, which surround Glorb like colourful Christmas baubles hanging in the sky. The yellow planet of Gloop has a hole right through its middle, like a doughnut. And strangely enough, it's full of custard. It’s so close to Glorb that the two planets are connected by The Magnificent Magnatube, which you’ll hear more about later. All sorts of unusual tribes and clans of people live on these planets, and most of the time they all get along together fine. 

Especially on Tuesdays, just after lunch.

 

But as you will soon discover, it isn’t always like that.  

 

 

∞

 

 

PART ONE

 

LIFE ON GLORB

 

 

∞

 

 

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Chapter One

 

The Wormhole Academy for Normal Children

 

 

It’s the first day of term at The Wormhole Academy for Normal Children and as usual, it’s complete chaos. Alarms are ringing. Doors are slamming. Cats are barking. New kids wander about lost - some crying, some just dribbling. Some wearing jackets way too big for them, some squeezed into trousers way too tight. 

Teachers stride about noisily, clapping their hands and bellowing at the children, or bellowing at each other. The long holidays are over and once again they have the freedom to bellow for no reason at all. 

It’s just great.  

At the start of each and every term, it’s a long-held tradition that the whole school descends the magnificent, spiral stairway deep down into the Grand Wormhole - a vast, echoing chamber carved out of the rock beneath the Academy. The scarlet-gowned teachers settle onto their wooden benches, with the children seated before them on the smooth, stone floor, fidgeting and chattering with excitement.

Wally Jangles, the Head of Music, impatiently taps the podium with his baton, and gives the children one of his stares. The chamber falls silent.

Then an ear-piercing screech as the massive Doors of Glorb swing slowly open on their ancient iron hinges. The stooped figure of the headmaster, Sir Grenville Badguts, shuffles in, limps over to the Master’s Seat and settles himself carefully into its depths. He strikes the floor once with his heavy cane and without a single word being spoken, everyone stands.

Wally Jangles raises his baton and the children clear their throats. Now is the time for the Academy’s hallowed anthem. It’s only ever sung in the Grand Wormhole once a year, and it has to be sung properly.

Sir Grenville raises his hand and groans, ‘You maaaay begiiiin…..’

So they begin.

 

As certain as the sky is pink and popcorn grows on trees,

And kissing hairy dogs will almost surely give you fleas,

And policeman can arrest you if you’re caught without some cheese,

We’re the pupils of the Wormhole and quite normal if you please.

 

Yes, the pupils of the Wormhole, we’re proud and brave and true,

We’ll always stick together like we’ve swallowed superglue,

If you challenge or annoy us we will paint your kneecaps blue,

Then we’ll tie your ears together and pour custard in your shoe.

 

Ooooooh, the pupils of the Wormhole, we’re the best upon the planet,

Our brains are made of dynamite,

Our muscles of pure granite,

We dance, we sing, do everything

That can’t be too bad, can it?

And our favourite snack

Is Crispy Yak, 

Served up with pomegranate!

 

Glob bless our dear Academy, 

Our family and our friend,

We’ll stand together side by side, 

Whilst space and time both bend,

Whilst moons collide and suns implode and meteorites descend,

We’ll Wormhole on, 

Our fears all gone, 

Until the very end!

 

The children and teachers erupt into applause and Sir Grenville’s old face creases into a broad smile. He jabs his walking cane at the ceiling which explodes and showers the children in confetti and chocolate spaceworms. 

Satisfied, Sir Grenville limps out of the chamber, waving his stick triumphantly in the air. The laughing children swarm back up the spiral stairways, cramming spaceworms into their mouths. They hop onto waiting hoverlators, chocolate smeared over their happy faces. Once they reach the right porthole, they slide down a vacutube straight into their classroom, where they bounce off an aircushion and shout their name to the teacher, who ticks them off on the digiboard.

Let term commence! 

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